missmetal_66

That moment.

Tue, 29 Dec 2009 01:58:47 GMT

Between being unemployed, broke, unsatisfied with "self", jealous, conflicted and so many other angry emotions I just want to change.
I'm sick and tired of being in the "metal" scene with a bunch of fuck ups and retards that have no direction in life other than to get drunk, and bang their heads. Yeah, it's cool when you're 16, but not 22+ and so on. And especially not when you're a parent, and instead of taking care of your child, your blowing your only $ on beer. I get so sick of going to shows and watching 35 year old guys drunkenly parade around in the pit, punching each other, spilling beer on themselves and me, and trying to knock a 100 pound girl into the pit, because they are so incoherent and don't give a shit. I love heavy metal, and always will, but I don't love it for the scene. I'm so tired of people living for what everyone else deems to be "cool." Maybe I can get rid of the combat boots, band shirts, and tight leather pants (oh and bullet belts) and be perfectly happy listening to the music and playing guitar, without feeling "unworthy" because of the so called scene. Feeling comfortable in my own skin, and my own style, and not be ashamed I don't look like everyone else at all the shows. I'm sick of always going to parties with my friends, and everyone getting so wasted that they are puking all over, and breaking my friends stuff, and their own. It's not like this happens once in a while, it's every damn time. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I think I'm actually growing out of the "scene" and wanting to converse and associate with people that DO have goals, and can have fun without getting wasted. I'm not saying I want to hang out with IV league college graduates or straight edge people who are boring as fuck, but maybe people who are working hard to become something (even something small...) just SOMETHING. Who are dedicating their free time to more than just parties and sex. Who care about themselves enough to be healthy and successful. I hope I don't sound like a snob or anything, I just realized that when you're parents say "you are who you hang out with..." they are somewhat right. I want to be around people who make me want to be better. Whether that's healthier, prettier, smarter, more successful, nicer...whatever. Just people that make me want to chanllenge myself, and overall be better. I want to have friends that stick up for me, don't stab me in the back, and don't talk shit, because honestly, I'm too old for that. (Although it's true, some people NEVER grow out of those behavioral traits)
There are so many things I love and want to do, I'm just so confused how to go about organizing it. I love fashion, and would love to be in fashion design, I love writing, I love media, and most of all, I love music. I decided to stop being a lazy ass, and do something about it. I think I'm going to take an internship with KATU or Fox12. I have so much media/TV experience, why put it to waste? I also am working on starting a public access radio show. If I do these things, plus my band, plus working, I think I can feel confident, happy and successful for the time being. Maybe the real key here, is to STOP focusing on everyone else, and how annoyed I am with the scene, and focus on ME. Take a break from all these friends, and shows, and realize that there is so much more to me than just that side. Maybe take some time to find out what else is lurking inside of me, and how to highlight my attributes. I know this has been a somewhat heavy entry, but I needed to write it. I'm trying to find myself, and I've been saying it for a long time, and will continue until it happens, I neeeeeeed to change. This is "That Moment."

Blah.

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 10:13:49 GMT

I had so much to say, but then I said FUCK IT. I'm tired, and broke, and fed up with school haha.

But, I REALLY want one of these when I get money!
I must get one! I really like the Elizabethan era. It reminds me of Marie Antoinette!
They are like $60 though. From Japan.
The photoshoot would be so worth it though. :]

More tomorrow, goodnight.

Oh Boy...

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 21:47:16 GMT

I keep thinking of a million things I want to post, and then I realize it would take way too long, so I SHOULD just post often, so I don't end up posting novel's like once a month. Haha.
My mood has gotten much better. School has kept me very busy. It's amazing how 16 credits will keep you busy as fuck, even without a job. Even though two of them are online they are very time consuming. It only makes me feel like more of a loser being on the computer even more. I know I'll probably be able to get a seasonal job, so that's good. I only have 9 more weeks of unemployment left. Although I could request an extension, I'd rather just find a damn job. I've realized that if I just saved my money instead of buying all sorts of cool clothes, booze, movies, cd's and all the random crap I don't need... I'd probably be a lot happier. I hate it when you realize you're life is consumed by stuff... and instead of thinking about having fun going to a park or spending time with family/friends you are thinking of going shopping and how great it will be to buy that new dress or pair of shoes that you think will look great on you. I think most women have this problem when they get down, so I'm not alone. The more depressed I am, the more I want to buy stuff I don't need. Like I think it's going to fill the empty void or something? The happier and more busy I am, the less I spend money. Weird isn't it? Everything I've been making off Ebay, or getting from unemployment I spend on crap (after I pay all the bills and gas...) and although it's probably only like $30 ... that's a lot to spend on yourself every week when you don't have a damn job. Blah! At least I haven't used any of my credit cards in... like 6 months or so. That's damn good. They've almost reached their limits anyways, so I hid them away and said No. I don't want to ever hear the words "Sorry, you're credit card is maxed out" .... god how pathetic that would be. (If you're shopping for crap of course... not if you're buying basic essentials!) Anyways, I'm trying to kick my spending habits. I'm trying to promise myself I won't buy anything besides food and gas until I get a job. I know it won't go over perfectly, but at least if I try, it will help. A big part of it is just staying away from stores I love and such. I'm an impulse buyer, so half the time I buy stuff, it's because I said..."Oh, I'm bored, I'll just go window shop at the mall" or something. It always back fires! Haha.
I just have to stay away!
Anyways, I gotta' go to my boring class. That's all for now.

Blah!

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 20:40:41 GMT

Well, PCC sylvania definitely sucks. No parking, too many people, very spread out. It's going to suck when it starts raining. I hate feeling like such an outsider. I see all these fresh out of high schooler's with their posse of friends, and remember when it was the same for me. So excited to start school together, only to drift apart once you start realizing you have your own life. Eh. I guess I'm independent. I'm sure I'll make friends, but it's always the same with college friends so far. We hang out at school, always talk about hanging out, going to parties... whatever... then it never happens, and their number sits in my phone for months and eventually years. I guess it's my fault, but I've never seen college as a place to meet people. Especially community. There is nothing keeping you here, no events, no dorm parties... people live their own lives... and when class is over they want out. I know I do. Maybe things will change once I go to PSU, and I'll probably get a dorm.
Anyways, this is kind of a pointless post, but I'm bored as hell waiting for my next class.
Today just wasn't a good day, and I don't have much hope for tomorrow either, considering I have a very early doctor appointment to discuss how my female parts are doing.
But, I'll try not to be negative, and go get a root beer or something. Haha. :P

Lazy

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 19:46:01 GMT

Oh, I'm not sure how I feel about getting "back" into the groove of things. You know, Job, and School, while still trying to maintain a social life and have a band. I know people do incredible things, and some people over work themselves with plans and work and school, I'm just not one of them. I generally can't handle that much stress. I'm somewhat excited about school starting again, because that means I'm closer and closer to my associates. But that also means I'm closer to getting more serious. Having to choose a University, and decide what I REALLY want to persue. Community College gives me time to be a slacker, and just go with the flow, not really choose anything, but get a general degree...pass my classes with no real drive an ambition. Okay, that sounds really sad, but in reality, it's just me being damn lazy. I am a lazy person... and it's hard to change your ways after being this way for so long. But I want to try!
I want to wake up in the morning and Carpe Diem... if you will.
Feel like I can do anything. Want to live. Stop feeling like a slug.
I think once I find a job and stop being broke I will feel much better about myself. Of course I'll hate working I'm sure, but in the long run I'll feel good to know that I can take care of myself... for the most part.
And school, well I'm taking a very full load, and I'm going to work my little ass off. I've slacked before, and don't have a very good GPA. High School I had steady 3.4-3.6 until my very last semester of senior year, I got a 3.0... but my accumulative still turned out pretty good. In college I'm averaging B's and C's, and it's so dumb to pay for school out of your own pocket, and then suck at it. I want to do great, not average. I want to get a 4.0, and show myself how amazing I can be if I set my mind to it.
I start tomorrow. I'm never nervous... but I always get that pit in my stomach wondering if it will be awful, or really fun.
I'm taking French, Writing 227, Math, and Social Psychology. I'm skipping all science credits until I absolutely have nothing left. I took Meteorology so far, and I literally almost fell asleep every class. The most boring shit ever. I can't expect much else from the other classes. Haha.

Anyways, on a positive note, I absolutely can't wait for Fall to really begin. It's my FAVORITE time of the year. I think every one has very fond memories of being a child around this season. Walking outside in your coat and scarf, looking at the gray sky, and the orange and yellow leaves all over the ground. Sipping hot cocoa on your couch, while you watch the wind swirl about the trees, making you feel so small compared to nature's harsh beauty. Going back to school, making new friends, going to football games (or Soccer if you were on the team like me) .... Then as October approaches... there is a different sent it the air. It's colder, and harsher, and you almost feel that chill. Halloween decorations start coming up, pumpkins, and skeletons, and ghosts in everyone's yard. You anticipate getting your costume ready, and all the free candy you will be receiving. Or if you were like me, I always went to the library and checked out the most ridiculous little "horror" stories, like Goosebumps, or the RL STINE teen series. And even though they weren't that scary, being young and adventurous makes your imagination run wild. You get comfort from being in your own bed, under the covers, as the wind howls outside. Then Halloween comes, my favorite holiday. You get to dress crazy for no reason. Run around with your friends, scare the shit out of yourselves, and enjoy every minute because you know once it hits midnight, things will be back to normal. I don't even need to explain Thanksgiving and Christmas. Totally different feel than the beginning of Fall and Halloween, but amazing in a much different way. I just love it. The excitement in the air. I just don't feel that way in the spring and summer. I miss the rain, the clouds, the snow, being bundled up on a cold day!
And it's amazing that the faintest scent of Pumpkin Pie, or Eggnog can bring back these memories. Or seeing a pile of orange and yellow leaves... or passing by the Halloween store. Memories are so precious, I just had to touch base on that.

Lively.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 23:58:12 GMT

As uneventful and dull as my life has been without a job, school or money to keep me occupied, I did something quite big this past weekend. It was a bit frustrating, and time consuming, but in the end, I think will be thoroughly worth it. My friends Titarius (a metal band...of course) has been around the Portland scene for about 5 years. I've supported them from the start since I've known them all quite a while, and dated one of them. Anyways, they put out an album, and although they aren't exactly popular, or "making it" yet, they decided to make a music video, because the bassists cousin is a movie producer, and they wanted to branch out and try producing music videos.
So, a few months ago I guess they had a band meeting about it, and decided I would be the perfect star for the video. And no, I'm certainly no actress. I have much experience being on TV, and in front of the camera, so I think that's why they thought of me. Or maybe it was merely because they all find me to be a cute girl, that likes metal, and figured I'd most certainly do it. Who knows the motive, but either way, I figured I'd give it a shot. All I knew at the beginning was that I'd be dressed like "Gator Bait" ... (look up the picture on google) and I'd be running through the forest killing them all, and then I'd make out with a chick at the end. Sounded easy enough right? Ha, yeah. I didn't realize this was like a serious production, and I would actually have to work my ass off.

So, needless to say after the first REAL meeting with the producers/crew, I was quite hesitant. They really wanted me in this slutty outfit, and wanted to teach me how to act and all this jazz. It may sound like a bit of a surprise, because well, people talk... but I'm not really a "show off" type of girl. In fact, considering my strict religious up bringing, I've been EXTREMELY modest. Although that started to fade when I turned 17 or 18 (tehehe) ... I'm still pretty modest, at least when it comes to the public view. In front of friends, boyfriends, or boys I'm going to "persue" when I'm single... I have NO problem getting naked and running around letting it all hang out! But a music video that probably MANY people will see, including my family and theirs, I figured I'd keep it PG-13. So, I made a compromise on the outfit. They wanted super short jean shorts, a super short jean vest that was open, with no bra underneath. I'm like yeah, if I'm running around "killing people" my boobs (small as they are) aren't going to magically stay in place, and I'm not about to let a crew of 20 horny guys check out my tits. Especially when their girlfriends are standing right there...(more on that later...)

So, basically I read the script and found out the ACTUAL story line. Basically... These people kid nap me to play a game to see who can kill me first (sort of like a demented torture game that would be in a horror movie) and these high rollers are watching it, betting on who will kill me first (out of the members of the band...) What the band doesn't know, is that my lesbian lover is a waitress for the high rollers, and we have a secret plot together to kill them all and take the money, and she actually plants all these weapons for me to kill the guys with while they are chasing me... (and of course, I'm actually a highly trained assassin) .... so then I kill the band, and meet my gorgeous babe, and we run off with the millions. This is A LOT for a music video lol. Thank god the song is 6 minutes! So, we filmed that Whole sequence this weekend. FRI/SAT/SUN at my friends cabin. And of course, like last Wed I got extremely sick, and was puking, and totally thought I wouldn't be able to go. So I called and told the producers I was sick, and they pretty much said I had to go because I'm the star of it (besides the band) and they already invested a lot of time and money. And by the way, I'm not getting paid. lol. So I was like, this is retarded, and was pretty fucking pissed. But... once we got there I just sucked it up even though I was still feeling shitty, and said FUCK IT, Let's have fun. And that we did.
It was mostly me running, and being chased, but then there was this AMAZING scene, where I kill Jordan (my best friends boyfriend) with a Machete, and while I'm hacking the shit out of him, they had fake blood splatter ALL FUCKING over me, like a texas chainsaw massacre movie. I had it EVERYWHERE, my hair, my eyes, my chest, my clothes, my legs, my arms... and everyone said it looked AMAZING. lol. I got lot's of pictures with me covered in blood! Can't wait to see em'. It made me really think about doing this more often. I'm not really good with lines, but I think I could just be in videos, or low budget stuff. I mean, I have all the TV experience, and it's not like you have to be super hot and have a perfect body just to do that. I don't know. I need to start believing in myself. I didn't think I could do this video, and I think I did pretty good. I can't wait to see it. Since it is professional it will be a few months before it's ready. It will be really cool to add that to my resume. I need to keep finding little opportunities like this! And mostly importantly, set my mind to stuff. Don't let people tell me I can't do things, because I think I can if I set my mind to it. There are just so many things I like doing, it's hard to pick. Haha. I want to do something in music, tv, fashion, maybe gore videos like this... I just wish I could combine it all.
Oh, and the scene where I make out with Margoe is great. She looked good in her outfit with the gun she was holding. Man, twas a good scene, or... will be! :P
We had to do like 20 takes of that scene (I wonder why...) and I was watching some of them back and it was so funny. I like almost grabbed her ass on one of them, and I pulled her hair... hahahaha, I didn't even realize I was doing these things... but the producer said... "You're hot for her, you haven't seen her in a long time, you've been locked up, and you guys just got away with murder and all this money..." So, I acted like she was my bitch and I was going to throw her on the car and ravage her. Or... well, I tried. lol.
Can't wait for everyone to see it. Man!

Fantastic.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 07:00:02 GMT

Nothing like the Goodwill Bins to turn your frown upside down. Because even if you've only got $20 bucks in your pocket, you can find some great things.
I wish more people wanted to go with me.
I want to make it a monthly thing... (at the least)
Seriously, I think everyone should stop buying new clothes (besides bras, underwears, socks... the essentials) and just trade recycled/used clothing. That's pretty much all I do anyways.
Ebay, Goodwill bins, Buffalo Exchange/Red Light... it's all used for the most part.
I guess that's how I'm personally helping the environment. There must be some good out of recycling clothes along with all the other typical recyclables like paper and plastic.
I mean the bins aren't exactly the most enchanting... icky smells, weird people, disgusting used underwear strewn everywhere... but it has it's perks.
It's amazing to me that so many people are afraid of places like this. (I know that doesn't apply to any of my friends reading this) Just because it's not exactly sanitary, and a little weird at times. I just usually bring gloves, headphones, and a bottle of water...maybe hand sanitizer, and I'm set for a few hours.
And that's usually how long I spend there.
It annoys me when people say... "Oh, I NEVER find anything cool there..."
Because you actually have to take the time to look.
You can't walk around for 5 minutes and hope to find all sorts of fab things.
I usually spend 2 hours or so, before I'm ready to get the hell out.
Plus, they always switch the bins in and out, so the search is endless! Haha.
And I ALWAYS see the hottest guys there. Damn. It's like a mix of super hot hippie/rocker/indie dudes, and creeps. lol. One of the hot guys started talking to me today because we were looking around the same areas, he was really serious about it too. He had gloves, and his long hair tied up... and spent like 10 minutes on each individual bin holding up every piece of clothing examining it for potential excellence. It was do damn cute! haha. We kept laughing at all the ridiculous things.
Everytime I go to the Bins I always look grungy because well for one the environment, and 2, I'm not really thinking about impressing anyone. Today I kind of regret that. haha.
But there are always groups of hippie/punk girls that go together, and they always have so much fun, so I'd really like to get a group of fun girls or guys that want to go, and won't get grossed out.
I got a whole garbage bag of clothes, PLUS the freaking cutest Hello Kitty Comforter and Pillow cases...[anyone that knows me really well should know, I'm insanely obsessed with Hello Kitty...if I had lot's of tattoos, I'd definitely get a HK one. I've been collecting HK crap since I was 8] All they need is a tiny bit of mending on the sides, and some serious washing.
All this for 11.59!
I even uploaded a few things I bought for this vintage/used type fashion site I'm on... just to show the great things you can get!

This is a really cute soft hooded coat from Forever 21.

Really cute black gathered/pleated mini skirt from Forever 21.

Cute vintage eagle top.

Haha my favorite.

Cute reversible skull hoodie... I swear I saw this at Target.

So CUTE! And I got a similar comforter with HK and Strawberries. I'll take a picture when I wash it.

So yeah, those were some of my favorite things I got today... I got probably 10 other shirts/pants etc.

Fun!

Life.

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 23:14:01 GMT

Life right now is slow, tedious, somewhat boring.
I don't feel like I'm living at all.
No job, no money, pretty much no more school...
and well, lacking in the friend department.
But, when I was too young to drink legally, there was nothing to do because everyone was at bars.
Now that I'm old enough to drink at bars, that's where everyone is, and never anything else.
I'd just like to find a good medium.
I spend way too much on drinks, and over-priced bar food... for what?
I just feel like shit everyday, and I'm pretty sure my liver is soaking up the whiskey like a fucking sponge on water... I mean seriously, this can't be healthy.
Anyways, it's been almost 2 months now since Gunner and I broke up.
Thankfully, we are still good friends, and talk a lot.
He's a great guy, an amazing one really, I'm just convinced he's not the one for me.
It really hurts, because I wanted him to be. But I think I was so infatuated by the fact that he was a real winner in life (job, education, etc) that I forgot, we didn't have much in common besides music taste. I think most of our relationship was heavy metal, and good sex.
And as I grow older, I learn that I need more than that.
It may be too soon to speak, but I'm hoping Tony is "the guy" for me.
And no, I don't mean my "soul mate" I mean, someone that will complete me, my other half, the person that has all the qualities I need and look for, and hopefully I possess the one's he wants as well.
We've only known each other 3 months or so, and we've been dating for about 1.
I needed a little time to heal after Gunner and I broke up, and it's been a good amount of time, so Tony and I are officially "an item" now, if you will.
Nothing along the lines of a serious long-term commitment, but I'm hoping someday it will be.
And another note, we haven't had sex.
And really, it will probably be a while.
As much as it's killing me, considering I'm a very sexual person... (especially in relationships where I really want to express physical feelings as well) it hasn't been half bad.
Although there are many reasons why we haven't, the more we don't, the less it is a big deal to me. At first I thought I'd go crazy, but with a little bit of "help" from him (so to speak..) and the magic of porn, I've gotten by.
It's just weird ya' know?
Choosing not to have sex.
It's been about... 2.5 months since I've had any sex. (Last time was obviously with Gunner in March)
That's definitely a record for me.
But, you know, if you really want to get to know someone for who they are, and figure out if you have sincere feelings for them, it's not a bad idea to wait on sex.
trust me, I'm no virgin mary here, not a prude, or frigid in the least, but I'm 21 now, I need to grow up and not want to boink every dude I've liked for 5 minutes.
I've never been one to embark on meaningless sex ... (mostly just meaningless making out, and blow jobs...) but even just messing-around with a stranger to me, isn't all that exciting. The more I look back, the more I realize that every time things got all hot and steamy for me at some party, with some random dumb fuck, it wasn't very hot or fun at all.
Sexual drive I think really heightens with emotion, and I'm sorry, but you can't have emotions for someone whose name you just forgot. At least, I can't, and I'm a pretty level-headed human, so I'm going to say most others are the same.
Anyways, Tony is great.
Despite our few differences, and a few quirky little habits he has that I find annoying, I'm really falling for him, and we can just sit and talk for hours.
Plus, oh yeah, he's hot...and talented... and I don't have much of a record for dating hot guys. I'm definitely not shallow... (if you've seen any of my ex-boyfriends you'd know... I mean Ben Bettis, c'mon) I'm just saying, I go for the funny, nerdy, nice guy types, attractive or not.
But I lucked out, because he's hot, and a nice guy type.
And well, I know sex is going to be fantastical... although it will probably be months before we decide to do it. (It will be SO worth the wait, I'm sure)
Anyways, I'm trying to get my "band" together, and get a job.
I had to move back home, but I can't wait to get the hell out of here.
I'd really enjoy hanging out with people though, and I'm really not a flake if anyone really wants to set something up.

Single.

Wed, 06 May 2009 20:06:05 GMT

As much as I miss Gunner, I sure love being single and living back at home, being able to do whatever I want. I can be a slob, stay up late, go out whenever, and I don't have to worry about someone constantly thinking I'm being immature. I guess I just wasn't ready to live with anyone, especially not someone who isn't right for me.
The thing about me being single is, I'm never actually single. Every time I am single, everyone that's ever liked me tries to get a piece, and then I just fall into the habit of liking someone all over again. But, things blew over with Josh, considering he fucked my best friend, and now they are "so in love"
but, things with Tony are really looking up.
I found out he's a virgin, and that's such a relief these days.
We've been hanging out with a "mutual liking" for each other about 3 weeks now. And, we've kissed, and that's it. I'm quite proud of that. We both decided if we're going to do the deed, we're going to wait until we know we really want to be together (or start being together, as a couple that is) I guess every other relationship I've ever had has started on sex, and for once, I'd just like to not do it that way, and get to know someone before getting intimate. It's been a month in a half since I've gotten any, and believe me, that is a long time when you're used to 4 times or so a week. But, I'm going to be celibate until I find that right person.... or I feel they are at least worth me fucking them. I get sick and tired of meeting random guys and making out with them, and then we mess around, and never talk again. Ah.
Plus, so far out of all the people I've dated, I'm going to say Tony may just be the closest to perfection I've found. Sure, he has lot's of things going on, like we all do, but none the less, wow. He came over and visited me last night while I was sick and had a fever, and still managed to tell me how cute I was, even though I thought I looked horrible. He told me I'm the closest to perfection he's ever met, and that I may just be the one to complete him.
God, this is such a good feeling.
We're trying not to rush into anything, considering I've only been single a few weeks, but, gah, it's hard....

Oh, fuck.

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 18:45:23 GMT

I'm falling for someone who isn't my boyfriend.
By the way, I guess I haven't been keeping up on here.
Gunner and I have been breaking up and getting back together like crazy. It's quite stressful. Especially when you live with someone. FUCK.
Anyways, I'm totally falling for Tony.
I've never felt this way about someone while I've been dating someone else.
He's pretty much amazing.
Hot, Nice guy, confident, funny, outgoing, amazing vocalist in a kick ass band. AH.
What's wrong? Well, he went through some pretty tough shit as a kid, and now doesn't trust women.
Oh, the psychological problems. Great.
I find a perfect guy and he's fucked up in the head.
I don't know if he's worth breaking up with Gunner for, but he sure thinks I'm the greatest person ever, which is a quality I don't think Gunner has at all.
It seems I'm just some cute fun girl he's dating because he's lonely.
So confused.
Love is a fucking loaded gun.
And I'm always too nervous to pull the trigger.

Girls.

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:36:15 GMT

I fucking hate girls.
Man, they are all so caddy and jealous and bitchy.
Get over it.
All my girlfriends are effing hot (like you guys reading this)
and I don't get up in your grill and be all jealous, I'm happy to associate with hot women, who know they are hot.
It doesn't make me feel worse, it makes me feel more confident.
I'm sick of girls not wanting to be my friend or disliking me because I may be a threat to their boyfriend or stupid shit like that.
WHY!? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID?
It's like they think I'm the bad person because I'm confident, and no, I don't think I'm super ugly and disgusting.
And yes, I will take hot pictures.
There are just too many girls that don't like me, and I've never understood it.
I've never been a rumor-spreading, back stabbing kind of gal...
and I've never stolen anyone's boyfriend (that I know of)
and if I did, it was on accident, I always gave them back, and told them to stop liking me because it was wrong!
Yet, all these girls in High School always hated me...
and now even more hate me.
Ah.
I bet if I was a guy they'd all like me.
I know I shouldn't worry about it, but it's so annoying.
I hate hearing.. "oh I can't hang out with you or talk to you because my girlfriend doesn't like you"
if I had a dollar for every time I heard that.... jeez, I'd be fucking rich.
Maybe someone can explain to me why all these girls think I'm bitchy and a boyfriend stealer? Oh and some even think I'm fake. WTF?
Ahhh. Give me a gun, I'm going to shoot a bitch.

Ironic.

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 00:44:22 GMT

Yeah, of course.
Apparently he is bi-polar, or something!
After yelling at me yesterday he went to band practice and when he came back he felt really fucking bad.
I think he realized that maybe, just maybe, I am a great person, despite my inability to really have a career or anything right now.
Maybe it's not ALL about how much someone has accomplished, but how big their heart is.
Anyways, I'm not sure what's happening.
Nothing is certain yet.
But, the more time I have, the better.
I would need to re-arrange my whole life if we break up. (job, school, where I live)
And well, that is going to take some time.
I know it sounds horrible, but him just dropping this on me when I start class tomorrow and can't move back with my mom would be worse than us breaking up.
I can get over that eventually, but the hassle of having to switch schools when the term just started and find somewhere to crash for a few months would be even harder.
Not too mention, since he bought a house, I've moved a lot of my furniture in here.
God, what was I thinking moving in with him?
I wasn't ready!
I'm ready for a relationship, but not this.
He just needs to stop being such a snob and realize that I love him, and that is what REALLY counts.
Relationships are a compromise, not a dictatorship. (at least for me)
He can't except me to be everything he wants, when he can barely change for me.
Bleh.
On top of this, I went to a party on saturday and it was wicked fun.
A bunch of metal heads and bands (my kind of deal)
Anyways, I was with Josh (who REALLY likes me... and I've already talked about this whole deal, I have a crush on him back)
Anyways, this Tony guy who I talk to on myspace (and is a phenomenal singer of a local band) started talking to me, and was really drunk. Him and Josh are friends, and when Tony started talking to me and getting flirty, Josh lost it. He looked like he was going to kill someone.
I had to take him aside and talk to him. Everytime Tony would come around and talk to me, Josh would flip out again. Then Tony asked me if I needed a ride home because he lives in Beaverton. I politely said no, I drove. And, yeah, Josh looked like he was going to punch him. He feels really bad now for acting like a total spaz, but if we ever did date.... that shit is not okay. I can't stand people THAT jealous. Unfortunately Josh has horrible self-esteem, so that is the main reason. But I had to deal with this, on top of Gunner laying the smack down on me.
I'm fed up with men right now.
They are so fucking selfish. (Okay, mostly)
It's like all they say and feel is "pay attention to me, ME, MEEEEEE!"
And I just want to say... "Hey, CHILL THE FUCK OUT! I need fun too!"

Great.

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 22:44:25 GMT

He drops the bomb that he wants to break up with me today.
I'm just not mature enough, not old enough, not serious enough, don't care enough...
and the list goes on.
I feel like such a piece of shit.
I can't do anything for anyone.
I ask him what I can change and he just says it's a personality thing, and he's been feeling this way for quite some time.
He feels like we are more friends.
I wanted this, so why do I feel like shit?
Oh, maybe because I realized I DO love him, and also because I fucking live here with him, and go to school out here.
He said he'd be happy to help me move back home.
Yeah, thanks.
I fucking hate this.
I just want things to work out.
I just want him to stop being so anal.
What did he think was going to happen with someone in college and 6 years younger?
I'd just all of a sudden have a career like him?
He doesn't like me going out with my friends, or to bars, or anything.
I don't think I can handle being kept inside, but I love him, and I'm willing to do it.
I'm so pissed off, but all I can think is that I do want to make this work.
Or at least show him I'm not some immature party girl. (who never parties anyways)
It would be fun to be single, but I'm sure I'd just jump back into the game and end up dating someone I barely know.
I'm a commitment gal. I want to be with him, but this age thing is really tearing us apart.
Fuck, I hate this.

Nose

Fri, 27 Feb 2009 08:44:46 GMT

I'm going to get my nose pierced.
I don't care if people think it's a good idea or not. haha.
I decided not to get any tattoo's... at least for a long time.
so I need something, something to make me feel edgy again.
Because I feel so bleak, and plain lately.
I may go tomorrow, if I can find a decent place/price.

Wednesday.

Wed, 25 Feb 2009 20:38:47 GMT

I hate Wednesday's.
They used to be cool, because I only had one class, and no job, so it was my day to kick back and do nothing.
Now, I work from 2-9, which is basically the whole damn day, considering I'm NOT a morning person at all.
I can't stop thinking about life... I mean sometimes we get so busy we don't have time to think about it...
and even though I AM busy, I just can't stop.
Like...
time goes so fast, it just isn't fair.
Everyday I wake up, getting older.
Everyday day becomes a memory to the next.
It's so weird.
Like, I'll never re-live my 21st birthday, it's gone forever.
It's just weird to think about.
I'll never re-live turning 8, or 12, or 18....
I wish everyone's life was a movie.
And little snippits of every moment were captured, and you could sit back and watch it anytime.
I guess that's why I value my home movies so much.
No one understands, but some days, I just sit and watch them and laugh, and cry.
I look back when I was 4 or 5 and happily playing outside, loving life, not realizing all the horrible dangers of the world, feeling so safe in my own back yard.
What an amazing feeling.
Not only that but not understanding death, love, sex, religion, or anything really except for what I felt immediately inside.
I even miss being 10 or 11 when I naive. Because of Mormonism, I thought if I didn't drink caffeine .... have sex before marriage, and go to church I will be a saint, and get into heaven, and have the best time of my life after I die.
But now, I just have no fucking clue what happens, and it kills me to not know, or understand.
Which is I guess my most people fear the unknown.
I don't even really get scared of ghost stories/movies or anything like that anymore because I don't believe in an after life really.
I mean I don't believe in any religion, so it's just hard to fathom what happens after death.
It's hard for me to want to accept that maybe, NOTHING happens at all, and we just disappear, leaving only our dust.
I guess that's why I better enjoy life.
The funny thing is, people always make alcohol out to be this horrible thing (which is can be) but in moderation, it really tends to make me enjoy life more. :]
I can't wait to go out with the gals next week and raise hell. haha. :]

All grown up.

Fri, 20 Feb 2009 19:34:14 GMT

I woke up today realizing being 21 isn't all that glamorous.
This only means that I'm really NO LONGER a kid, and people will pretty much think I'm the biggest loser if I don't grow up a little.
Don't get me wrong, I'm in school full time, I work 4 days a week, live in a house with my boyfriend (which I pay rent, buy food, and supplies) like any normal person, but is that enough? It just seems these days people my age are already so successful.
Plus I'm always swimming in a pool of debt.
I don't dare talk about it to anyone, because I'm honestly quite ashamed.
I don't have any debt from school yet, because I've paid it all out of pocket (only like 30 credits worth)
but mostly credit cards and misc. stuff.
I owe like 2 grand...
which isn't a lot at all when you have a career .... but when you work part-time and go to school, it's a lot of money.
I'm trying to budget.
Which means, no more shopping 24/7, no more splurging on ebay.
I realized while a lot of people are addicted to drugs, booze, dieting, whatever, I'm addicted to buying stuff.
When I'm upset or pissed off, I go shopping, and when I buy stuff it seems to fill that void.
I know it's not hurting me physically, but it can still destroy my life.
That's why I need to see that movie.... Shopaholic, or whatever.
Maybe it will teach me a lesson.
I'm like ridiculously obsessed with Ed Hardy/Christian Audigier... and if you know that brand, it's pretty spendy.
I liked it before it was 'all the rage' but couldn't afford it.
Now I can because they sell it at regular department stores, and Ebay.
I have like 8 Ed Hardy shirts, two hoodies, one pair of shoes, and one really expensive EH bag.
But I make excuses for it, because most girls are out buying Chanelle or whatever it is, and Louis Vuitton, which is probably twice as much.
And although I get hella good deals on that stuff on ebay, it's still pretty costly.
Both my hoodie's were $60 each, and if you know me, I never pay that much for shit. I always shop at Goodwill and Buffalo and thrift stores.
I guess now that I'm older I feel maybe I could buy a few more expensive things.
Or I can buy the expensive stuff used.
I really do believe if we all just recycled 80% of our clothes (like shopping and taking stuff to Buffalo) it would help the environment.
Anyways, things are going pretty crazy for me lately.
My parents are at each others throat, taking each other to court, and it's really hard to be caught up in the middle.
I mean they have been divorced almost 10 ish years, get over it!
I feel like I'm starting to have a social life again, and it will probably spark up a while after being 21, cuz' there will be a lot more to do.
I drank a beer yesterday and got pretty buzzed, which means Monday is going to suck, because I'll have like 3 drinks, and pass out. So I'll have to really PACE myself.
I really hope going out to dinner will be fun.
I figure just a bunch of people hanging out at a restaraunt will be laid back, and fun, and that way I can still drink if I want to.
I've invited mostly random people, but I always like it that way. Everyone will at least know someone, and I'd like all my friends to meet my boyfriend that haven't.... considering we've been dating a year and almost 2 months, and it's the most serious relationship I've had, and probably will only continue on that path, (I hope)
Despite all the little things,
he makes me REALLY happy.
Alright, I have to go pick up my check.
I work tomorrow, and then I get Sunday and Monday off :]
Oh by the way, my boyfriends birthday is the day before mine (sunday) ...
how funny is that!?

Sex.

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 07:04:58 GMT

I started an online journal just about sex.
I couldn't find a site just devoted to sex blogging, which I found rather odd.
I just needed a place where I can keep all my sexual thoughts.
Sometimes I feel like I have no where to take them,
especially if they aren't about my boyfriend.
It's better to write them down then try and keep them in until I burst, and want to actually do them... right?
Anyways, it's pretty graphic, but feels good to get it all out.
I like reading other people's too.
Some of them are funny, and some of them, I'm like... damn, it's getting kind of hot in here! haha.
------------------------------
I had midterms today.
I pretty much failed one.
God I hate school.
I hate trying to become responsible, and really watch my money.
I like blowing it too much....
I'm addicted to shopping.
FUCK.
I need to grow up, really.
I can't believe I'll be 21 in 18 days.
I have a feeling it won't be nearly as cool as I've thought it would be.
Oh fucking well.
I have a lot to learn, and a lot to do.
---------------------------------
I've really been thinking about people I miss lately.
Amy, Liz, Rachael, Ben, Joshua, even people from Dave's parties. I just miss always having people to hang out and cause a ruckus with... or shop, or whatever.
My best friends now are so lame.
haha.
They either are too busy to ever hang out, or under 18 and don't drive.
Gah.
I really want to see that 'hes just not into you' movie, but I think I'll be going alone.
Oh well, it is a chick flick.

It's early.

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 15:48:31 GMT

It's 7 am, but I just can't sleep later than when the sun hits ... when we don't have blinds!
We are in the new house. It's amazing.... but empty. lol. He didn't want to take any of my furniture or anything... so I was just like... alright whatever, you do what you want, you paid for the house. haha.
Life is pretty good... but busy as fuck.
Who's life isn't though? I have school or work every other day, and right now I don't have any days off. :/
I love my job though!
I get paid almost 11/hr... to do nothing basically.
I work with my best guy friend Josh Kay.
(metal head)
he actually got me the job.
There are a shit ton of cool people there.
It's a cd company in St. Johns.
We call ourselves "technical compact disc operating engineers" for fun....
but really all we do is put cd's in cardboard and seal them up, and send em' off. lol.
There are mostly dudes working there, and it's safe to say, I'm the cutest girl... considering every other lady is at least over 35. haha.
There are only like 5 girls working there total ... out of 30 people. So, I do get a lot of attention. I think girls need attention, especially when they are in relationships. A lot of guys forget they need attention while in relationships, and get busy with their lives, therefor aren't always there to say "damn, you look smokin' " or shit like that. lol.
Most of the dudes there are really un-attractive.
Like.... almost scary looking....
but there are a few that are alright, and then one really hot guy.
But he's the typical "my life is running/working out, I eat only organic food, and only listen to 94.7, and wear jeans that are way too tight" kind of guy. What would you call those... modern hippies? lol.
He's really fun to talk to about random shit, but then when you get into the core of his life, and opinions he just get's annoying.
There is a fat chick there who is awesome. Besides bigger chicks hating me for being small, they usually find me funny, because I'm really open and crude... so we get along quite well.
That's the work life.
School is good, but I don't have friends there.
I really don't care to anyways.
I really don't want to go to class today. Why do teachers forget to tell us exactly when the mid-term is, so we show up all week? fuckers!
Boyfriend things are better. We didn't have intimate time for a while because of the move, fight, womanly things... so it had been almost 2-3 weeks. Kind of getting to the point where I didn't care to make the effort anymore. But, I knew he'd be feeling it, and low and behold, last night it happened. And it was fucking great! (except the no-blinds)
but yeah, it was like.... when you are shaking afterwards. lol.
and then he told me some nice things which stupidly made me cry. lol.
It was good, I feel like we are much better. I'm sure we will run into more issues soon, but it only makes times like that 9988900 million times better.
My mom and I were talking and she said we would have the most beautiful kids. lol. I was like... 'yeah, I will admit, I thought that too'
because he's full indian and darker skinned, and we both have really dark almost black eyes, and really thick dark hair, and big lips. lol.
So they would be mixed probably (which i think half indian/half light is fucking gorgeous)
and have huge big dark brown eyes, and thick long hair.
Gee, I hope it would be a girl. lol.
That's enough, time to get ready for school.

Love

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 18:24:02 GMT

Sometimes I'd rather just kill myself than deal with love.
It can so easily break you into 9284865 million pieces.
I was hoping it wouldn't happen like this.
Because I really and truley love him with everything I know.

Wed, 10 Sep 2008 22:47:36 GMT

It was cool to see my friends.
I definitely hate realizing that you will see people less and less as you grow up.
:(

I'm going through all my stuff since I'm moving, and I found a bunch of boxes with old stuff.
I found my beanie babies, and the rest of my hello kitty collection... which is awesome because I'm still totally obsessed with HK.
I also went through a bunch of old journals and year books, it's so funny and somewhat exciting to look through all that stuff.
I look back and understand I went through a lot of tough shit when I was a kid, like physical and sexual abuse, my parent's constant battle of separation and being together... family death's...
but I didn't realize it was weird at the time I guess. I had a lot of fun. I guess sometimes it's good to be sheltered and young and not understand the things around you happening are negative.
Obviously I learned later a lot of the things that happened with me were NOT normal, but at the time I didn't worry about, and worried about being a kid.
Now I would do anything to have that carefree attitude again, and go skin my knees up on some tree.

I'm getting rid of so much.
I guess everyone has those moods where you just realize... I need to enjoy life for life and you just want a new start, and to get rid of everything that reminds you of your old ways.

I'm going to miss living in my house and having a big screen TV, and having a really sweet backyard... and peace and quiet. Oh, and the constant full fridge and two closets. haha.

uhg.

Sun, 10 Aug 2008 00:09:31 GMT

I fucking hate this.
I can't go to the show with my own boyfriend because you'll be there with your stupid fucking fat wife.
I'm sick of you interfering with my life. Can everyone drop everything and get over it already?
I'm almost 2 decades younger than you, and I can....
I know part of him wants a girlfriend he can bring places
I don't want to be locked up in the basement for the rest of my life.
I haven't done that much wrong, and still I feel everyone hates me.
I guess that's why I'm giving my life a make-over.
I'll be better than you ever thought, you'll see.
You'll wish you would have stayed...
but I'm glad you didn't.
Because then... then I wouldn't have him.

Lost.

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 01:21:03 GMT

I'm frustrated.
It should be because well, I've just had a horribly painful surgery and I can't do anything.
Or maybe because I'm going to start school and I have absolutely no money.
Or possibly because my parents are suing each other and I'm caught in the middle.
But no.
It's mostly because of love.
Why does it always complicate things?
Why are people always questioning it, and obsessive over whether someone really truly loves you?
Is it because of our society? It's made us have such little faith in marriage and love.
Or maybe as humans we just... have horrible self esteem deep down and constantly need to be re-assured that everything is okay.
I wish I could say that when he doesn't tell me he loves me, I know he does. That I am so certain about my love and his feelings... I don't once have to question it.
But... I don't think that is a possibility.
It's been ... 8 months now. (That we've been together)
I haven't gone on a date with any other guy, not a kiss, not a touch... nothing. I haven't even hung out with another guy alone, or gone to any parties in fear that by accident I could rub up against someone.
Which... is pretty good for me. And obviously means I'm so happy with him, that I don't need to look upon any other man in the universe to satisfy me in any way, shape or form. I find that sort of feeling to be incredible. It feels so great to have such emotions for someone. That I feel empty when we're apart. And sleeping next to him is the most comforting feeling I've known. It really is amazing. To look at someone and think, gee... I could spend the rest of my life loving this person. We could get married... start a life... and as much as it's weird, it's refreshing because I've NEVER thought that about any man I've met.
My main concern is....how do you know that it's equal? By what they say, their actions? What? How do I know he feels the same? Really and truly? I guess I can just hope. I guess for once in my life I think I love someone and need them more than they need me. I'm hoping that everyone in love has those fears and those doubts, and that it's not just a horrible reality.
I know that some people just aren't as open as I am... but I need to hear that he loves me too, and know that I mean something of great importance to him. That he see's the kind of perfection I see in him. I need to know this is worth it. That I'm not just putting all this effort and emotion into something worthless. Some days it just hurts, like right now. I know I'm young, and he's older... and sometimes relationships like that can cause these sort of emotions... because I'm the "young and stupid one" but just once, I hope it doesn't play out like that.
I'm starting to cry so I'll speak more about it later. I just needed to get it out.

hello again.

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 06:42:40 GMT

It's been a while since I've written anything about my life. Not that... anyone is sitting at the computer just waiting to hear my life story.... but... I figured I might fill the world of live journal in? Actually it's more for my sake. I really need to just sit down and type out a few lines.
So the passed few months have looked like this.... with me being 100% honest.
-October/November met an amazing guy who by the way is 40. I never thought I could fall for someone with such a huge age gap.... but I did. Of course, he's married. But, none the less, he fell for me too. I don't think I have ever felt like I did when I was with him. I couldn't get him off my mind. His presence made me weak, and for once in my life I felt like I couldn't be myself around someone because I was so god damn nervous. I was incredibly scared and excited all at once. I knew it was moving too fast, but it felt so right. After we kissed, I knew my life would never be the same again.... with or without him. I feel like such a loser saying this, but that one kiss, the tiniest morsel of his lips that I tasted on mine... blew me away. It sent shivers down my spine, I floated on clouds as I looked down at myself .... I felt alive, I felt like the world made sense...even in pure and utter chaos.
I was right though, nothing will ever be the same after that night.
I finally had the guts and strength to get rid of what I felt was dragging me under. Don't get me wrong, Ronnie and I had some great times.... and I think a part of me loved him, and grew up with his hand in mine. He lacked passion. He had no drive in his life, and that drained me .... emotionally and physically. At 19 I felt my life had already ended, and I could barely stand to be around him any longer. It took me 4 months to get up the courage to break it to him, each day.... wondering if it would be our last. Sex became a routine. I hated it. I pretended it was someone else. I pretended to enjoy it, because I was a coward, and couldn't be honest. But this man gave me the courage to finally tell the truth. He had such a genuine integrity, and such a considerate personality that he made me realize it was only right to end what had been causing me such heart ache and torment. I started to believe him and I would end up together. Day dreams of seeing Megadeth together, and playing guitar in each others company. It seemed so perfect.... but I really didn't see the other side. It seemed as each time it got further he told me it couldn't happen. I don't think I've ever felt so many mixed signals. I guess I can understand what it's like to deal with women. After that night we spent, I knew it was either do it, or don't. I knew at that point we had come to a cross roads, and it would be crucial for him to decide if he wanted to pursue me, or stay in his marriage. I guess I knew it was coming, but that day he told me it had to be over between us, I cried... and immediately my heart sunk. I will be honest, I was falling in love, and the worst is that it still hurts. I still think about him constantly... I don't know if I will ever be over it... or if it will be one of those things where 15 to 20 years down the line I will still be thinking about him, wondering .... what it could have been. This is why I usually act on instinct and what I'm feeling right then and there... because I HATE having regrets. And now I do.
You want to hear the fucked up part? I'm dating one of his very good friends. It kind of happened by accident, but I'll be honest... this is probably the greatest guy I have ever dated... and I am falling fast. I know I hurt him by choosing to sleep with his best friend, but he told me it was over. It was only fair. I wouldn't have if he would have given me the slightest bit of hope.... I would have stood waiting... like a deer in headlights late late at night. I guess I'm kind of glad this happened. It was for the best. I didn't want to ruin his family... and I tried not to be selfish. Dating Gunner has made me extremely happy. He's one in a million... and for once I'm afraid THAT I am NOT good enough for him. He makes me want to be a better person. He's someone I could see myself being with for a very, very long time. It's quite nice. Of course I can never stay single. Even when I break up with someone, or they break up with me... I swear there is always someone else.
Also, I'm going through the... "am I completely straight?" phase. I love guys, and always will... but would it be so bad to have a girlfriend? I'm sure I could fall for a girl, if it was the right one. I always give everything a shot once. So... if somewhere along down the line you hear... "and I can't believe Erin has a girlfriend too... blah blah" ... don't be shocked. I've grown up in many ways, and part of that is truly understanding my true self.
Another thing I have to talk about is my anti-social virus I've adapted. I really don't like hanging out with big groups of people right now... in fact... I haven't been to a party in months, I rarely even drink anymore, and I've lost connection with 75% of any of the friends I ever had. You know the weird part? It doesn't bug me. Maybe it's just an anti social phase I'm going through... but I just could really care less about making friends and partying right now. The friends I've always had... I do miss you though. I would hate to loose connection forever... and I AM trying to get that spark back.
I also could be moving to Seattle. I have no idea when though. I made the executive decision to quit mt hood, and I will return to school in the fall... but not mt hood. PSU, OSU, UofO, or Seattle U. I'm not going to waste anymore time or money out of my pocket at a community college. I need a University. I need to be able to completely focus on school, so if I stay here great, but if I go away for school, wish me luck. I'll be 20 in almost a month and I need to be ready to grow up.
It's weird to see how you have matured as a human, but it's quite refreshing when you've realized it. I'm no longer going to live for anyone but myself, and I am going to make the god damn most of my life, because time passes you by in the blink of an eye... and if you let people drag you down to their level, and let people fool you into thinking you need to live for them, you will get absolutely no where. You don't have to be selfish to be thinking about your life and your own well being... just smart.

FUCK

Sun, 07 Oct 2007 06:19:50 GMT

I wish I could type FUCK a million times.

I think I have chronic depression or bi-polar (ness?)
That AND I have autophobia (fear of being alone).... but every time I don't want to be alone and then I go hang out with people... I don't want to be there either.
I need some pills or something.
When did I become so unhappy and depressed?
WTF.
I'm going to cry now and get it all out.

mf.

Sun, 23 Sep 2007 06:13:45 GMT

I say this is the kindest, non-personal, has nothing really to do with any one person sort of way.

fuck everything and everyone right now.

I feel like I had so much and now I have nothing.

I hate this feeling.

I need something, and I don't have the slightest clue what it is.