I had so much to say, but then I said FUCK IT. I'm tired, and broke, and fed up with school haha.

But, I REALLY want one of these when I get money!
I must get one! I really like the Elizabethan era. It reminds me of Marie Antoinette!
They are like $60 though. From Japan.
The photoshoot would be so worth it though. :]






More tomorrow, goodnight.

I keep thinking of a million things I want to post, and then I realize it would take way too long, so I SHOULD just post often, so I don't end up posting novel's like once a month. Haha.
My mood has gotten much better. School has kept me very busy. It's amazing how 16 credits will keep you busy as fuck, even without a job. Even though two of them are online they are very time consuming. It only makes me feel like more of a loser being on the computer even more. I know I'll probably be able to get a seasonal job, so that's good. I only have 9 more weeks of unemployment left. Although I could request an extension, I'd rather just find a damn job. I've realized that if I just saved my money instead of buying all sorts of cool clothes, booze, movies, cd's and all the random crap I don't need... I'd probably be a lot happier. I hate it when you realize you're life is consumed by stuff... and instead of thinking about having fun going to a park or spending time with family/friends you are thinking of going shopping and how great it will be to buy that new dress or pair of shoes that you think will look great on you. I think most women have this problem when they get down, so I'm not alone. The more depressed I am, the more I want to buy stuff I don't need. Like I think it's going to fill the empty void or something? The happier and more busy I am, the less I spend money. Weird isn't it? Everything I've been making off Ebay, or getting from unemployment I spend on crap (after I pay all the bills and gas...) and although it's probably only like $30 ... that's a lot to spend on yourself every week when you don't have a damn job. Blah! At least I haven't used any of my credit cards in... like 6 months or so. That's damn good. They've almost reached their limits anyways, so I hid them away and said No. I don't want to ever hear the words "Sorry, you're credit card is maxed out" .... god how pathetic that would be. (If you're shopping for crap of course... not if you're buying basic essentials!) Anyways, I'm trying to kick my spending habits. I'm trying to promise myself I won't buy anything besides food and gas until I get a job. I know it won't go over perfectly, but at least if I try, it will help. A big part of it is just staying away from stores I love and such. I'm an impulse buyer, so half the time I buy stuff, it's because I said..."Oh, I'm bored, I'll just go window shop at the mall" or something. It always back fires! Haha.
I just have to stay away!
Anyways, I gotta' go to my boring class. That's all for now.

Well, PCC sylvania definitely sucks. No parking, too many people, very spread out. It's going to suck when it starts raining. I hate feeling like such an outsider. I see all these fresh out of high schooler's with their posse of friends, and remember when it was the same for me. So excited to start school together, only to drift apart once you start realizing you have your own life. Eh. I guess I'm independent. I'm sure I'll make friends, but it's always the same with college friends so far. We hang out at school, always talk about hanging out, going to parties... whatever... then it never happens, and their number sits in my phone for months and eventually years. I guess it's my fault, but I've never seen college as a place to meet people. Especially community. There is nothing keeping you here, no events, no dorm parties... people live their own lives... and when class is over they want out. I know I do. Maybe things will change once I go to PSU, and I'll probably get a dorm.
Anyways, this is kind of a pointless post, but I'm bored as hell waiting for my next class.
Today just wasn't a good day, and I don't have much hope for tomorrow either, considering I have a very early doctor appointment to discuss how my female parts are doing.
But, I'll try not to be negative, and go get a root beer or something. Haha. :P

Oh, I'm not sure how I feel about getting "back" into the groove of things. You know, Job, and School, while still trying to maintain a social life and have a band. I know people do incredible things, and some people over work themselves with plans and work and school, I'm just not one of them. I generally can't handle that much stress. I'm somewhat excited about school starting again, because that means I'm closer and closer to my associates. But that also means I'm closer to getting more serious. Having to choose a University, and decide what I REALLY want to persue. Community College gives me time to be a slacker, and just go with the flow, not really choose anything, but get a general degree...pass my classes with no real drive an ambition. Okay, that sounds really sad, but in reality, it's just me being damn lazy. I am a lazy person... and it's hard to change your ways after being this way for so long. But I want to try!
I want to wake up in the morning and Carpe Diem... if you will.
Feel like I can do anything. Want to live. Stop feeling like a slug.
I think once I find a job and stop being broke I will feel much better about myself. Of course I'll hate working I'm sure, but in the long run I'll feel good to know that I can take care of myself... for the most part.
And school, well I'm taking a very full load, and I'm going to work my little ass off. I've slacked before, and don't have a very good GPA. High School I had steady 3.4-3.6 until my very last semester of senior year, I got a 3.0... but my accumulative still turned out pretty good. In college I'm averaging B's and C's, and it's so dumb to pay for school out of your own pocket, and then suck at it. I want to do great, not average. I want to get a 4.0, and show myself how amazing I can be if I set my mind to it.
I start tomorrow. I'm never nervous... but I always get that pit in my stomach wondering if it will be awful, or really fun.
I'm taking French, Writing 227, Math, and Social Psychology. I'm skipping all science credits until I absolutely have nothing left. I took Meteorology so far, and I literally almost fell asleep every class. The most boring shit ever. I can't expect much else from the other classes. Haha.

Anyways, on a positive note, I absolutely can't wait for Fall to really begin. It's my FAVORITE time of the year. I think every one has very fond memories of being a child around this season. Walking outside in your coat and scarf, looking at the gray sky, and the orange and yellow leaves all over the ground. Sipping hot cocoa on your couch, while you watch the wind swirl about the trees, making you feel so small compared to nature's harsh beauty. Going back to school, making new friends, going to football games (or Soccer if you were on the team like me) .... Then as October approaches... there is a different sent it the air. It's colder, and harsher, and you almost feel that chill. Halloween decorations start coming up, pumpkins, and skeletons, and ghosts in everyone's yard. You anticipate getting your costume ready, and all the free candy you will be receiving. Or if you were like me, I always went to the library and checked out the most ridiculous little "horror" stories, like Goosebumps, or the RL STINE teen series. And even though they weren't that scary, being young and adventurous makes your imagination run wild. You get comfort from being in your own bed, under the covers, as the wind howls outside. Then Halloween comes, my favorite holiday. You get to dress crazy for no reason. Run around with your friends, scare the shit out of yourselves, and enjoy every minute because you know once it hits midnight, things will be back to normal. I don't even need to explain Thanksgiving and Christmas. Totally different feel than the beginning of Fall and Halloween, but amazing in a much different way. I just love it. The excitement in the air. I just don't feel that way in the spring and summer. I miss the rain, the clouds, the snow, being bundled up on a cold day!
And it's amazing that the faintest scent of Pumpkin Pie, or Eggnog can bring back these memories. Or seeing a pile of orange and yellow leaves... or passing by the Halloween store. Memories are so precious, I just had to touch base on that.

As uneventful and dull as my life has been without a job, school or money to keep me occupied, I did something quite big this past weekend. It was a bit frustrating, and time consuming, but in the end, I think will be thoroughly worth it. My friends Titarius (a metal band...of course) has been around the Portland scene for about 5 years. I've supported them from the start since I've known them all quite a while, and dated one of them. Anyways, they put out an album, and although they aren't exactly popular, or "making it" yet, they decided to make a music video, because the bassists cousin is a movie producer, and they wanted to branch out and try producing music videos.
So, a few months ago I guess they had a band meeting about it, and decided I would be the perfect star for the video. And no, I'm certainly no actress. I have much experience being on TV, and in front of the camera, so I think that's why they thought of me. Or maybe it was merely because they all find me to be a cute girl, that likes metal, and figured I'd most certainly do it. Who knows the motive, but either way, I figured I'd give it a shot. All I knew at the beginning was that I'd be dressed like "Gator Bait" ... (look up the picture on google) and I'd be running through the forest killing them all, and then I'd make out with a chick at the end. Sounded easy enough right? Ha, yeah. I didn't realize this was like a serious production, and I would actually have to work my ass off.

So, needless to say after the first REAL meeting with the producers/crew, I was quite hesitant. They really wanted me in this slutty outfit, and wanted to teach me how to act and all this jazz. It may sound like a bit of a surprise, because well, people talk... but I'm not really a "show off" type of girl. In fact, considering my strict religious up bringing, I've been EXTREMELY modest. Although that started to fade when I turned 17 or 18 (tehehe) ... I'm still pretty modest, at least when it comes to the public view. In front of friends, boyfriends, or boys I'm going to "persue" when I'm single... I have NO problem getting naked and running around letting it all hang out! But a music video that probably MANY people will see, including my family and theirs, I figured I'd keep it PG-13. So, I made a compromise on the outfit. They wanted super short jean shorts, a super short jean vest that was open, with no bra underneath. I'm like yeah, if I'm running around "killing people" my boobs (small as they are) aren't going to magically stay in place, and I'm not about to let a crew of 20 horny guys check out my tits. Especially when their girlfriends are standing right there...(more on that later...)

So, basically I read the script and found out the ACTUAL story line. Basically... These people kid nap me to play a game to see who can kill me first (sort of like a demented torture game that would be in a horror movie) and these high rollers are watching it, betting on who will kill me first (out of the members of the band...) What the band doesn't know, is that my lesbian lover is a waitress for the high rollers, and we have a secret plot together to kill them all and take the money, and she actually plants all these weapons for me to kill the guys with while they are chasing me... (and of course, I'm actually a highly trained assassin) .... so then I kill the band, and meet my gorgeous babe, and we run off with the millions. This is A LOT for a music video lol. Thank god the song is 6 minutes! So, we filmed that Whole sequence this weekend. FRI/SAT/SUN at my friends cabin. And of course, like last Wed I got extremely sick, and was puking, and totally thought I wouldn't be able to go. So I called and told the producers I was sick, and they pretty much said I had to go because I'm the star of it (besides the band) and they already invested a lot of time and money. And by the way, I'm not getting paid. lol. So I was like, this is retarded, and was pretty fucking pissed. But... once we got there I just sucked it up even though I was still feeling shitty, and said FUCK IT, Let's have fun. And that we did.
It was mostly me running, and being chased, but then there was this AMAZING scene, where I kill Jordan (my best friends boyfriend) with a Machete, and while I'm hacking the shit out of him, they had fake blood splatter ALL FUCKING over me, like a texas chainsaw massacre movie. I had it EVERYWHERE, my hair, my eyes, my chest, my clothes, my legs, my arms... and everyone said it looked AMAZING. lol. I got lot's of pictures with me covered in blood! Can't wait to see em'. It made me really think about doing this more often. I'm not really good with lines, but I think I could just be in videos, or low budget stuff. I mean, I have all the TV experience, and it's not like you have to be super hot and have a perfect body just to do that. I don't know. I need to start believing in myself. I didn't think I could do this video, and I think I did pretty good. I can't wait to see it. Since it is professional it will be a few months before it's ready. It will be really cool to add that to my resume. I need to keep finding little opportunities like this! And mostly importantly, set my mind to stuff. Don't let people tell me I can't do things, because I think I can if I set my mind to it. There are just so many things I like doing, it's hard to pick. Haha. I want to do something in music, tv, fashion, maybe gore videos like this... I just wish I could combine it all.
Oh, and the scene where I make out with Margoe is great. She looked good in her outfit with the gun she was holding. Man, twas a good scene, or... will be! :P
We had to do like 20 takes of that scene (I wonder why...) and I was watching some of them back and it was so funny. I like almost grabbed her ass on one of them, and I pulled her hair... hahahaha, I didn't even realize I was doing these things... but the producer said... "You're hot for her, you haven't seen her in a long time, you've been locked up, and you guys just got away with murder and all this money..." So, I acted like she was my bitch and I was going to throw her on the car and ravage her. Or... well, I tried. lol.
Can't wait for everyone to see it. Man!

Nothing like the Goodwill Bins to turn your frown upside down. Because even if you've only got $20 bucks in your pocket, you can find some great things.
I wish more people wanted to go with me.
I want to make it a monthly thing... (at the least)
Seriously, I think everyone should stop buying new clothes (besides bras, underwears, socks... the essentials) and just trade recycled/used clothing. That's pretty much all I do anyways.
Ebay, Goodwill bins, Buffalo Exchange/Red Light... it's all used for the most part.
I guess that's how I'm personally helping the environment. There must be some good out of recycling clothes along with all the other typical recyclables like paper and plastic.
I mean the bins aren't exactly the most enchanting... icky smells, weird people, disgusting used underwear strewn everywhere... but it has it's perks.
It's amazing to me that so many people are afraid of places like this. (I know that doesn't apply to any of my friends reading this) Just because it's not exactly sanitary, and a little weird at times. I just usually bring gloves, headphones, and a bottle of water...maybe hand sanitizer, and I'm set for a few hours.
And that's usually how long I spend there.
It annoys me when people say... "Oh, I NEVER find anything cool there..."
Because you actually have to take the time to look.
You can't walk around for 5 minutes and hope to find all sorts of fab things.
I usually spend 2 hours or so, before I'm ready to get the hell out.
Plus, they always switch the bins in and out, so the search is endless! Haha.
And I ALWAYS see the hottest guys there. Damn. It's like a mix of super hot hippie/rocker/indie dudes, and creeps. lol. One of the hot guys started talking to me today because we were looking around the same areas, he was really serious about it too. He had gloves, and his long hair tied up... and spent like 10 minutes on each individual bin holding up every piece of clothing examining it for potential excellence. It was do damn cute! haha. We kept laughing at all the ridiculous things.
Everytime I go to the Bins I always look grungy because well for one the environment, and 2, I'm not really thinking about impressing anyone. Today I kind of regret that. haha.
But there are always groups of hippie/punk girls that go together, and they always have so much fun, so I'd really like to get a group of fun girls or guys that want to go, and won't get grossed out.
I got a whole garbage bag of clothes, PLUS the freaking cutest Hello Kitty Comforter and Pillow cases...[anyone that knows me really well should know, I'm insanely obsessed with Hello Kitty...if I had lot's of tattoos, I'd definitely get a HK one. I've been collecting HK crap since I was 8] All they need is a tiny bit of mending on the sides, and some serious washing.
All this for 11.59!
I even uploaded a few things I bought for this vintage/used type fashion site I'm on... just to show the great things you can get!







This is a really cute soft hooded coat from Forever 21.



Really cute black gathered/pleated mini skirt from Forever 21.




Cute vintage eagle top.




Haha my favorite.




Cute reversible skull hoodie... I swear I saw this at Target.




So CUTE! And I got a similar comforter with HK and Strawberries. I'll take a picture when I wash it.


So yeah, those were some of my favorite things I got today... I got probably 10 other shirts/pants etc.

Fun!

Life right now is slow, tedious, somewhat boring.
I don't feel like I'm living at all.
No job, no money, pretty much no more school...
and well, lacking in the friend department.
But, when I was too young to drink legally, there was nothing to do because everyone was at bars.
Now that I'm old enough to drink at bars, that's where everyone is, and never anything else.
I'd just like to find a good medium.
I spend way too much on drinks, and over-priced bar food... for what?
I just feel like shit everyday, and I'm pretty sure my liver is soaking up the whiskey like a fucking sponge on water... I mean seriously, this can't be healthy.
Anyways, it's been almost 2 months now since Gunner and I broke up.
Thankfully, we are still good friends, and talk a lot.
He's a great guy, an amazing one really, I'm just convinced he's not the one for me.
It really hurts, because I wanted him to be. But I think I was so infatuated by the fact that he was a real winner in life (job, education, etc) that I forgot, we didn't have much in common besides music taste. I think most of our relationship was heavy metal, and good sex.
And as I grow older, I learn that I need more than that.
It may be too soon to speak, but I'm hoping Tony is "the guy" for me.
And no, I don't mean my "soul mate" I mean, someone that will complete me, my other half, the person that has all the qualities I need and look for, and hopefully I possess the one's he wants as well.
We've only known each other 3 months or so, and we've been dating for about 1.
I needed a little time to heal after Gunner and I broke up, and it's been a good amount of time, so Tony and I are officially "an item" now, if you will.
Nothing along the lines of a serious long-term commitment, but I'm hoping someday it will be.
And another note, we haven't had sex.
And really, it will probably be a while.
As much as it's killing me, considering I'm a very sexual person... (especially in relationships where I really want to express physical feelings as well) it hasn't been half bad.
Although there are many reasons why we haven't, the more we don't, the less it is a big deal to me. At first I thought I'd go crazy, but with a little bit of "help" from him (so to speak..) and the magic of porn, I've gotten by.
It's just weird ya' know?
Choosing not to have sex.
It's been about... 2.5 months since I've had any sex. (Last time was obviously with Gunner in March)
That's definitely a record for me.
But, you know, if you really want to get to know someone for who they are, and figure out if you have sincere feelings for them, it's not a bad idea to wait on sex.
trust me, I'm no virgin mary here, not a prude, or frigid in the least, but I'm 21 now, I need to grow up and not want to boink every dude I've liked for 5 minutes.
I've never been one to embark on meaningless sex ... (mostly just meaningless making out, and blow jobs...) but even just messing-around with a stranger to me, isn't all that exciting. The more I look back, the more I realize that every time things got all hot and steamy for me at some party, with some random dumb fuck, it wasn't very hot or fun at all.
Sexual drive I think really heightens with emotion, and I'm sorry, but you can't have emotions for someone whose name you just forgot. At least, I can't, and I'm a pretty level-headed human, so I'm going to say most others are the same.
Anyways, Tony is great.
Despite our few differences, and a few quirky little habits he has that I find annoying, I'm really falling for him, and we can just sit and talk for hours.
Plus, oh yeah, he's hot...and talented... and I don't have much of a record for dating hot guys. I'm definitely not shallow... (if you've seen any of my ex-boyfriends you'd know... I mean Ben Bettis, c'mon) I'm just saying, I go for the funny, nerdy, nice guy types, attractive or not.
But I lucked out, because he's hot, and a nice guy type.
And well, I know sex is going to be fantastical... although it will probably be months before we decide to do it. (It will be SO worth the wait, I'm sure)
Anyways, I'm trying to get my "band" together, and get a job.
I had to move back home, but I can't wait to get the hell out of here.
I'd really enjoy hanging out with people though, and I'm really not a flake if anyone really wants to set something up.

As much as I miss Gunner, I sure love being single and living back at home, being able to do whatever I want. I can be a slob, stay up late, go out whenever, and I don't have to worry about someone constantly thinking I'm being immature. I guess I just wasn't ready to live with anyone, especially not someone who isn't right for me.
The thing about me being single is, I'm never actually single. Every time I am single, everyone that's ever liked me tries to get a piece, and then I just fall into the habit of liking someone all over again. But, things blew over with Josh, considering he fucked my best friend, and now they are "so in love"
but, things with Tony are really looking up.
I found out he's a virgin, and that's such a relief these days.
We've been hanging out with a "mutual liking" for each other about 3 weeks now. And, we've kissed, and that's it. I'm quite proud of that. We both decided if we're going to do the deed, we're going to wait until we know we really want to be together (or start being together, as a couple that is) I guess every other relationship I've ever had has started on sex, and for once, I'd just like to not do it that way, and get to know someone before getting intimate. It's been a month in a half since I've gotten any, and believe me, that is a long time when you're used to 4 times or so a week. But, I'm going to be celibate until I find that right person.... or I feel they are at least worth me fucking them. I get sick and tired of meeting random guys and making out with them, and then we mess around, and never talk again. Ah.
Plus, so far out of all the people I've dated, I'm going to say Tony may just be the closest to perfection I've found. Sure, he has lot's of things going on, like we all do, but none the less, wow. He came over and visited me last night while I was sick and had a fever, and still managed to tell me how cute I was, even though I thought I looked horrible. He told me I'm the closest to perfection he's ever met, and that I may just be the one to complete him.
God, this is such a good feeling.
We're trying not to rush into anything, considering I've only been single a few weeks, but, gah, it's hard....

I'm falling for someone who isn't my boyfriend.
By the way, I guess I haven't been keeping up on here.
Gunner and I have been breaking up and getting back together like crazy. It's quite stressful. Especially when you live with someone. FUCK.
Anyways, I'm totally falling for Tony.
I've never felt this way about someone while I've been dating someone else.
He's pretty much amazing.
Hot, Nice guy, confident, funny, outgoing, amazing vocalist in a kick ass band. AH.
What's wrong? Well, he went through some pretty tough shit as a kid, and now doesn't trust women.
Oh, the psychological problems. Great.
I find a perfect guy and he's fucked up in the head.
I don't know if he's worth breaking up with Gunner for, but he sure thinks I'm the greatest person ever, which is a quality I don't think Gunner has at all.
It seems I'm just some cute fun girl he's dating because he's lonely.
So confused.
Love is a fucking loaded gun.
And I'm always too nervous to pull the trigger.

I fucking hate girls.
Man, they are all so caddy and jealous and bitchy.
Get over it.
All my girlfriends are effing hot (like you guys reading this)
and I don't get up in your grill and be all jealous, I'm happy to associate with hot women, who know they are hot.
It doesn't make me feel worse, it makes me feel more confident.
I'm sick of girls not wanting to be my friend or disliking me because I may be a threat to their boyfriend or stupid shit like that.
WHY!? WHY ARE YOU SO FUCKING STUPID?
It's like they think I'm the bad person because I'm confident, and no, I don't think I'm super ugly and disgusting.
And yes, I will take hot pictures.
There are just too many girls that don't like me, and I've never understood it.
I've never been a rumor-spreading, back stabbing kind of gal...
and I've never stolen anyone's boyfriend (that I know of)
and if I did, it was on accident, I always gave them back, and told them to stop liking me because it was wrong!
Yet, all these girls in High School always hated me...
and now even more hate me.
Ah.
I bet if I was a guy they'd all like me.
I know I shouldn't worry about it, but it's so annoying.
I hate hearing.. "oh I can't hang out with you or talk to you because my girlfriend doesn't like you"
if I had a dollar for every time I heard that.... jeez, I'd be fucking rich.
Maybe someone can explain to me why all these girls think I'm bitchy and a boyfriend stealer? Oh and some even think I'm fake. WTF?
Ahhh. Give me a gun, I'm going to shoot a bitch.